Are you an assertive leader?

Your career sucess depends on it

In the last few weeks I’ve had at least a handful of women ask me my perspective on the difference between being assertive and being aggressive and how to find the right balance as a leader.

Of course, when I dig further into why they are asking this question, I hear one of two reasons:

1) They have been given feedback that they are too aggressive or assertive (which women hear as the same) but no specifics about what they could do differently.

2) They have been told they are not assertive enough which is usually because they are holding themselves back to avoid being labeled as difficult or missing out on advancement opportunities.

The end result is what concerns me most – women making themselves smaller to fit in which is the opposite of what they need to do to advance their careers.

While it’s true that there is a lot of research that points to a double standard in the workforce (in men assertiveness is seen as a more positive attribute), the reality is you cannot be an effective leader without it. But how do you know what the right level of assertiveness is?

What’s the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?

I want you to picture a straight line with the word ‘passive’ at the beginning, the word ‘aggressive’ at the end and the word ‘assertive’ right in the middle. As leaders, we want to fall in the middle of that continuum.

More specifically, assertiveness is the ability to clearly and confidently communicate our ideas, speak up when we don’t agree or have a strong opinion about something, make decisions and influence others.

We do this by being: 1) direct (clear and succinct), 2) honest, and 3) vocal.

I define these three aspects of assertiveness in a short video here.

You cannot set boundaries, negotiate a raise, ask for more resources, get your point across, engage a group of stakeholders, or drive key decisions without some level of assertiveness.

In fact, assertiveness is a key competency that shows up in top leaders as measured by the EQ-i 2.0 assessment – the world’s leading emotional assessment tool. It is defined as sharing our feelings and our beliefs without being confrontational, so we are seen as not afraid to speak up but also respectful in how we do it.

Whereas aggressiveness falls at the far end of the continuum because it usually means that our emotions are too close to the surface so we may come across as threatened or defensive, closed to other’s perspectives, dominating the conversation, or even abrupt.

How can you develop your assertiveness muscle?
 
Becoming a more assertive leader requires increasing our self-awareness. Why? Because we need to be able to regulate our thoughts and behaviours if we want to be intentional about how we are showing up with others. Here are three ways to do this:
 
Slow down and assess your impact

Start noticing how people react to you when you are sharing your opinions and thoughts. Are you able to communicate your ideas well and gain buy-in? Or are you more emotional and overtalkative? Or maybe you aren’t expressing yourself enough. What kind of feedback do you get from colleagues and other leaders? Begin noticing your impact and where you feel you could be more effective in how you communicate and interact with others. You can’t change what you don’t see.

Practice being direct & succinct

Communicating with impact takes work. Whether you’re making a presentation, asking for a salary increase or engaging in a difficult conversation with a peer, say what you mean and mean what you say. Prepare ahead of time by thinking about your audience, the impact you are hoping to have and the key points you need to get across to achieve your objective. Keep it simple and avoid over-explaining. And try to refrain from using filler words that weaken your message such as “needless to say,” “in my humble opinion;” or “what I’m trying to say is.”
 
Find ways to be more present

Given the speed at which we are all operating, we all need practices to help us slow down so we can be less reactive, and more present – key to being assertive. In my blog article, The Power of Pause, I talk about two breathing exercises that can help you to be more centered and mindful at work. I used these techniques for years before going into an important meeting or entering a difficult conversation that I knew would be emotional for me. Sometimes just going for a walk around the block or listening to music that calms our mind can help with clarity and focus.
 
Accept that you will move up and down the continuum
 
Even the most accomplished leaders have good and bad days, so know that mastering this competency does not mean that you will be perfect at it.
 
We are emotional beings and in a world where things are changing rapidly all the time, we are not always going to be able to respond in the way we want. And this is OK.

There will also be times when we may want to dial up or dial down our assertiveness based on the situation and who we are dealing with. I can think of times in my career when it might have been better for me to hold my tongue. I can also remember situations I had to be more forceful to get the results I wanted.

One time I actually hung up on a leader who was yelling and trying to bully me into allocating more resources to his department. It was a bold and risky move on my part (some would say aggressive) but it worked and he was a lot more respectful the next time I saw him.

Bottom line, in most cases, you will know what the right level of assertiveness is for you. You just need to trust yourself.

If you want to explore where you fall on the assertiveness continuum, book a call with me to learn more about taking the EQ-i 2.0 assessment.